Packing

Ohh my gosh I'm so bad at doing ANYTHING.
Excuse me Facebook but I HAVE TO PACK!
Oh success, I logged out.
I'll go on later but for now...
why am I writing this?
It's going to be like the night before
Jesse and I went on our roadtrip
and I was still packing stuff late at night
and mum kept giving me random things
like a spare pillowcase
that I didn't even use.
It stayed in bag until last month, I think.
Mum was like,
I wondered where that went.
Indeed...
so all this makes me think.
I clearly can't pack
or UNPACK
or get off the computer.
Urgh.

So,
family reunion tomorrow.
I am so excited!!!
-_-
Outside in the beautiful thirteen degree weather
with a bunch of people
most of whom I've never met.
And then when it's all over
I'm not going home.
I will some time,
just not tomorrow.

---
maybe I want to
maybe it'd be good
maybe I'd choose
if I had something to lose
maybe I'd care
if maybe you would be there
and you wouldn't accuse
if I had something to lose.
-Pp
---

I guess I better go!
But
I
will
be
back.

Perhaps

Maybe...
I'll have better luck writing in the morning.
One where I slept in between it and night
or something like that.
So far it's not working,
probably 'cause I'm on Polyvore as well.
Will try to organise thoughts.

-I don't know what a block quote is.

-Oh, that's a block quote.

Thinking about...

-Selfishness

-Forgetting

-Regrets

-Opportunities

-How nothing turns out like we thought it would

-This isn't working, guess it doesn't matter what time of day it is or... the how many (eg. four) hours sleep you got.

Anyway.
I'm going away for a few weeks.
To look after others...
something I don't do for myself.
Maybe things will change.
I'll take it that Sick Puppies "Maybe"
just started playing.

---
Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
(Maybe I'm crazy)
Maybe I'm the only one
(Maybe I'm the only one)
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
(Maybe it's hopeless)
Maybe I should just give up
(Maybe I should just give up)
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change.
---

Now,
to figure out how to take a big piece my life with me
to the middle
of
nowhere.

Just A Little Something

I created.

That Is All. by staceeeeee on Polyvore.com

(c)

Twisted Reality

Last night,
I was informed of something
something that shocked me
but did not surprise.
It was not a surprise.
Because I knew it all along...
well, almost all along.
Yeah,
you've got to trust your instincts.
It's not worth it to doubt yourself
when you put all your effort
into believing in someone.
I want to throw it back in his face
in all his stupid, blind follower's faces
and say,
what was that you all insisted?
That it wasn't true?
He isn't like that?
Uh...
He is.
You all LOSE.
We triumph over all of you
you mindless fucking idiots.
FUCK
YOU
ALL.

Necessary

Ok, so this piece of poetry.
IT DOES NOT BELONG TO ME.
IT IS NOT MINE.
I DO NOT OWN.
The amazing Pauley Perrette owns it.

DRUNK

WHATEVER IT IS
IN MY HEAD
I WANT NOTHING INSTEAD
DON'T WANT TO THINK
TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW
DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW
TO MAKE IT

SINK OR SWIM
SWIM THEY SAID
NOW I'M IN OVER MY HEAD
CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT
FULL OF DOUBT
I'LL DROWN IT OUT
CAN'T TAKE IT...

I'VE HAD WAY TOO MANY
NO, IT'S NOT TOO PRETTY
I LOST MY COAT, MY HAT,
MY KEYS, MY SHIRT,
MY FRIENDS, MY SKIRT...

AND YEAH...
I'M DRUNK AGAIN
SURE IT'S A SIN
BUT YOU CAN'T BEGIN
TO KNOW WHY
YEAH...
I'M FUCKED AGAIN
AND I CAN'T CONTEND
AND I CAN'T PRETEND
TO TRY....

WHATEVER IT IS
IN MY BRAIN
IT'S SUCH A DRAIN
CAN'T TAKE IT
CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT
FULL OF DOUBT
I'LL DROWN IT OUT
CAN'T MAKE IT...

I'VE HAD WAY TOO MANY,
NO, IT'S NOT TOO PRETTY,
I'VE LOST MY COAT, MY HAT,
MY KEYS, MY SHIRT,
MY FREINDS, MY SKIRT...

AND YEAH...
I'M DRUNK AGAIN
SURE IT'S A SIN
BUT YOU CAN'T BEGIN
TO KNOW WHY
YEAH...
I'M FUCKED AGAIN
AND I CAN'T CONTEND
AND I CAN'T PRETEND
TO TRY...

I'LL GO AWAY
I'LL HAVE MY WAY
I'LL BE A SHAME,
PLAY MY GAME
I'LL FEEL NO PAIN
I'LL HAVE NO GAIN
I'LL GO INSANE,
KILL MY BRAIN
I'LL GO ASTRAY
I'LL MAKE YOU PRAY
I'LL BE OK.
I'LL BE OK.


I'LL BE O.K. ...yeah.

♥

We Fold

Weeooo.
We love writing ridiculous stories.
Me.
My sister.


Once upon a dream, there was a totally hot NCIS Special Agent named
L.J. Tibbs. He had a moustache and, of course a badge and gun. He was very smart, stealthy and a great aimer of a
Big black SIG. He used his SIG to scare little kids on Halloween but it didn't actually work on anyone because
L.J. Tibbs was allergic to peanuts. If he ate a peanut he would turn red in the face and
shoved him down some stairs. Unfortunately there were thirty-three flights and this caused
a big explosion of popcorn in the lobby of the theatre. Some fat guy yelled out Hallehuha and started eating up the mess like a vacuum cleaner.
Then it backfired and stuff splattered everywhere and the lights flickered and all the power went out and it was so dark that
everyone was running into each other and
then the special agent's weapon went off in the dark and the bullet hit the big red button on the wall that said
"PUSH ME." Why should we push it? Tibbs said. "Because it said to." the fat guy answered. "Let's
all have some tequila!" and so they did, and they all felt happy cos they were drunk and then they dared each other to do stupid things, like
put cereal on your head, then put milk on the cereal then start eating it. Then you start putting
the lime in the coconut and dancing around and hallucinating and screaming "Oh my God, it's
Flick the ant! He is such a
hilarious experience overall." Until poor special agent whatever his name was woke up, naked on a table in Autopsy and Abby ran in and yelled
"SOMEBODY LOVES YOU!"

Conflicted

I wish I could figure this out.
Whatever 'this' is.
Everything.
It's all about how you feel.
And I don't know how I feel
so it's all about me
not
knowing.
Anything.

Breaking In

Today it felt like Summer
for the first day in a long time.
Even though we spent most of it in IKEA.
By we, I mean Jesse and Ryan and I
and it was fun
and we laughed
alot.
I love to laugh.
Especially when we were having lunch
and Jesse failed to quote something properly.
Ahhh good times.
Then we drove along the Yarra Boulevard
and the sun was in the sky,
the breeze was warm
and it was so lovely.
Then we went someplace else
and I got Docs.
My bank account did not enjoy this
as much as I did.
But I'm happy,
and they aren't hurting bad.
Yet.
We'll see.
Then Jesse came over for dinner
and we chilled
except it was rather warm
so we didn't really.
Also we made weird dessert.
Now I'm lazing on bed
watching a movie on tv
that I have on dvd
but it's important to me
and Steph.
WHO IS AMAZING
because she sent me a dvd of Ash Tuesday...
JUST <3!!!
It's just another thing that over-excites me.
Also together,
Jesse and I managed to get
74 IKEA pencils...
which we are
strangely
proud
of.

Nightmare

It's the one thing that will break me
and I will never be repaired.

I already knew this.
I figured this out years ago.
When it happens,
I will not be okay.

Last night I slept.
I slept through the night,
which is rare.
I was in bed and sleeping by 1am.
And then it happened.
Nightmare.
It was the worst I've ever had.
I don't want to remember it.
But, as terrible things go,
how can you forget?

I woke up crying.
For the second time in a week.
I don't,
I can't
lose you.
It can't happen.
I
will
not
be
okay.

Tear

What will I do
When I don't have you?

Weight Of The World

I miss being a little kid.
When you didn't have to worry about
guys... or girls...
when your parents didn't have a chance
to be disappointed in you
when you fought with your best friend
you'd both have forgotten all about it
the next day.
When you didn't have fears
obtained from watching horror movies
and the six o'clock news,
but what's the difference anyway?
When you didn't have to worry about
school/work/alcohol/drugs/sex/driving/
your future,
whether you even had one
and you thought your Britney Spears cd
was the only one you'd ever want.
When people saw potential in you,
instead of simply staring you down.
When you saw potential in you,
had dreams,
felt like you could do anything.
Now... you know you can't.
When you didn't smile
if you didn't mean it
when you only cried over stupid things.
When you slept soundly,
mostly,
and your nightmares
were unlikely to come true.
When you didn't hate yourself.
When you said you'd die for someone
and didn't feel like
you really were.
Now...
it's hard to tell
what's
real.

LYRICS/Ross Copperman - They'll Never Know

Hush, baby don’t cry
Just get through this night
Overcome

'Cause all that you are
Is broken inside
But they’ll never know
They’ll never know

Don’t think that they’ll change
They push you away
Far from home

'Cause all that they are
Is broken inside
But they’ll never know
They’ll never know

Don’t you cry tonight
Rest your weary eyes
'Cause all that you are
Is broken inside
It’s nothing you could change
It’s nothing you could hide
It’s nothing you could hide

Pink flowers and bows
That’s all you should know
And summer days

'Cause all that you are
Is beautiful, child
But they’ll never know
They’ll never know

So don’t you cry tonight
Rest your precious eyes
'Cause all that you are
Is beautiful, child
It’s nothing they could change
It’s nothing you could hide
It’s nothing you should hide

Oh oh oh

'Cause all that you are
Is beautiful child
But they’ll never know
They’ll
never
know.

Sign Me Up

I want ink
and I want it soon.
Really, I feel like a tool
because I keep talking about it
and not doing anything.
Well actually I did do something,
I designed the one I want on my wrist.
But anyway.
Seen pictures of tattoos,
tattoos done over signatures.
Like... of people from your favorite band.
Yeahh.
I want some!
Who's signature would I want on me?
Er,
Pauley.
If I ever meet her..
I hope I am coherant enough
to ask her to write on me.
But I'd be like...
"OH! Um, can you please sign my arm?
And she'd be like,
"Er, okay... freak."
Haha.
Nah, I don't know what she'd be like.
But... hopefully I'll find out.
Anyone else?
Others from NCIS,
though no one has had an impact on me
like Pauley has
so it wouldn't have as much meaning.
Meaning...
true, sentimental meaning
would be in the form of
Conor.
Yeah.
But no one would mean as much to me
EVER
as
much
as
Pauley.
<3

I'm Wide Awake, It's Mourning

Not really trying to be clever there.
Oh, Bright Eyes.
If you are truly going to pack up,
lock the door
and say goodbye,
please leave me with something
I want to remember.
Though how anything could top
THIS:



I do not know.

But I do know
I do not want to cry for you
for
all
the
wrong
reasons.

Nothing & Nowhere

I've decided I need a quirk.
One can't rely solely on their looks
or talent.
And for those who have neither
like myself,
actually...
I'll admit that's a lie.
Sometimes obviously one will have,
what we call
vague fits of vanity.
Basically feeling
unusually up oneself
and posting model-ish pictures
all over everything.
Or some guy will walk up to you in the city
and hand you a little white card
and tell you to give them a call sometime
and you read the card
and it says
"Blahblahblah Modelling Agency"
and you laugh in his face
(accidentally, of course)
because sometimes you think you're pretty...
but it's only sometimes.
You wouldn't be able to strut into some studio
and be criticized
by anyone but yourself.
So,
I forget what I was talking about...
having a quirk.
Like being a really awesome liar.
Mum: "Where's your little sister?"
Me (having just traded her for a new scooter):
"I think I saw her crawl out the back door."
-scootscootscoot-.
No.
Lying is not really a quirk to be proud of.
I hate lying
unless deemed truly necessary.
I need to buy beer
(^ that wasn't a lie).
Oh my Lord.
I'll get back to you on that quirk thing.
This post is going nowhere,
I
can
relate.

Missing

Just thoughts.
How come they never sound as good when I can see them
as when I think them in my head?
I've been so confused lately.
And I want to talk to someone.
I don't even know if that means anyone in particular
or just someone who will listen
and understand.
Someone who will get me.
And so that leads to the thing.
It's something that's been playing on my mind
for a fair while now.
At first it was just in the form of fleeting thoughts
and I would push them away
thinking I'd get over it.
I wonder if I knew it wouldn't work that way.
I suppose I'm talking about someone.
They listen,
they understand.
They get me.
And it scares me.
Because I know that there's not enough time.
And I can't even talk about it.
I'll never be able to act on it.
I know I won't,
I can't.
Because if there's one thing I'm good at,
it's screwing everything up.
And once again
I fail to deliver an accurate portrayal
of how I feel right now.
But maybe that's impossible,
it
changes
so
fast.

Alright, Still

I don't even know what to say.
I wanted to write
about how great Saturday night was
and how much fun I had,
for the most part.
And now I don't want to.
There's all this stuff going on
with the people in my life.
And I sort of...
feel like this weekend wasn't even real.
I'm exhausted,
my head is aching so badly,
my throat is really sore
from all the screaming.
So I'm just going to go sleep
in my Lily Allen sweatshirt
that cost more than the ticket itself
and hope
that
things
turn
out
alright.

LYRICS/Regina Spektor - On The Radio

This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd

While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep

And all the Styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some words
To aid in the decay

But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees

While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again

On the radio
We heard 'November Rain'
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Cause the DJ was asleep

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And on the radio
You hear, 'November Rain'
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep

On the radio, on the radio
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio, uh oh
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio

---
I love these words,
but something about Regina Spektor...
I don't know,
kinda makes me feel uneasy.
No idea why.
So here is an amazing cover of the song
by a lovely guy
whose name I believe is
Alain de Courtenay.



Thank you,
lovely
stranger.

Hypocrite

As much as everyone pisses me off
even in the most stupid,
insignificant ways,
I would not be friends with me.

Let Me Up, Not Down

Even the smallest disappointment
can seem so huge.
And it's not fair
and what else am I supposed to say?
Why is it that
when you are looking forward
to something
just a little bit special,
it turns out to be a ruse?
It just goes wrong,
or it
doesn't
go
at
all.

Still Come Back To You

(Erm... the video's not working but
I'll leave it for mights sake)
I am SO happy for Pauley and Michael.
Congratulations!!!
And I was wishing her
a VERY happy birthday
the other day,
and just...
thanking her.
For
everything.

Some Crazy Kid

Wow, (obviously)
I haven't written anything in ages!
I don't feel like I need to,
if that makes any sense.
Things have been going alright :)
Not as much time to worry.
Sure, I have plenty of time
compared to some people.
But then compared to how much I had before...
well, you get the idea.
I've made a few friends at school.
Just a few.
I don't want too many because;
'statistically,
in crimes,
you're most likely to be hurt
by someone you know.
So knowing less people
increases your longevity.'
...
Pauley said it
so I understand it.
But yeah.
I get by, I spose.
Music is a big part of that.
I think it is for everyone,
in some way or another.
But a few standouts lately;
getting the NCIS soundtrack!
That's got some amazing songs.
Even the two leading ladies,
Pauley Perrette & Cote De Pablo
each have a song on it.
Which is great to see of course,
how multitalented they both are
(makes me realise how UN-talented I am though!).
Also
Lily Allen!
I've been into her stuff for ages...
and today got tickets
to see her concert in June!
So exciting.
Should be
so
fucking
fantastic!

Time And A Place

I really don't have anything to say,
at least not here.

GAME SHOW

Your words
softly speaking
the same language as me
fucking scary to see
the words that I feel
turn in your head like a wheel
of fortune
not knowing what's real
you breathe them to heal
but I hold mine inside
and climb aboard for the ride
we're spinning around
I'm stepping aside
losing ground
because you're breaking my heart
breaking me apart
breaking me
down
I fall
land on nothing at all
but the truth
hard and unwelcoming
unforgiving and cold
this is growing old
I backtrace
to some familiar place
where I keep finding myself
lost
how much will it cost?
I know that you're near
if only you could hear
I've been here before
I can't choose which door
fall to my knees
on the floor
someone's behind
everything will unwind
I'm losing my mind
hearing nothing but silence
and feeling nothing
but nothing
I'm no-one
and I'm calling your name
but my words are lost
in your fame
merrily,
merrily,
merrily,
merrily,
life is but a game.

(c) SM

Interpol- Obstacle 1

I wish I could eat the salt off of your lost faded lips

We can cap the old times, make playing only logical harm
We can cap the old lines, make playing that nothing else will change
But she can read, she can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
She can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
Oh, she's bad

It's different now that I'm poor and aging
I'll never see this face again
You go stabbing yourself in the neck


We can find new ways of living make playing only logical harm
And we can top the old times, clay-making that nothing else will change
But she can read, she can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
She can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
Oh, she's bad

It's different now that I'm poor and aging
I'll never see this place again
You go stabbing yourself in the neck
But it's different now that I'm poor and aging
I'll never see this place again
And you go stabbing yourself in the neck

It's in the way that she poses, it's in the things that she puts in my head
Her stories are boring and stuff, she's always calling my bluff
She puts, she puts the weights into my little heart
And she gets in my room and she takes it apart
She puts the weights into my little heart
I said she puts the weights into my little heart

She packs it
She packs it
She packs it
She packs it
She packs it
She packs it
She packs it

It's in the way that she walks
Her heaven is never enough
She puts the weights in my heart
She puts, oh she puts the weights into my little heart

Nightmare

I have too many of these.
The last 24 hours have been the worst.
Not last night but the night before,
I had a really bad dream.
In it (and I'm only going to describe this
VERY briefly)
Pp was in court,
and everyone was accusing her of lying,
then later it ended with her
getting arrested,
and I woke up and thought,
wow, I am so demented.
But having already known that on some level,
I tried to let it slide.
Then last night,
I came across something eerie.
Videos made by Coyote Shivers,
defaming Pauley,
claiming she hired and payed
a woman to accuse him of terrible things
which I believe really happened
and all sorts of other shit
that I believe did not.
Oh, I believed the opening sentence:
"Hi, I'm Coyote Shivers,
and I'm a rapist and kidnapper."
I watched all four videos...
they fucked with my head all night.

I have questioned God.
I do not know whether one exists,
at least for me...
I don't understand the concept,
I just can't believe in something that
cannot be proven to exist.
So... instead
I chose to look up to someone real.
Pauley Perrette.
I put my faith in her,
so I could be comforted in knowing
there is at least one person walking on this earth
who is actually worth it.
I know it must sound crazy,
but hey,
it has worked for me,
it
has
kept
me
here.
And then suddenly...
I'm questioning my faith,
and doubting my judgement
and everything I have believed in
...
because of some fuckface?

I cried all night.
I'm still upset.
I'm so confused.
I
don't
want
this.

Join the facebook group:
We Hate Coyote Shivers!

Congratulations.

Today I found out that
the awesome Miss P
is getting married!
To her gorgeous boyfriend-
I mean, fiancé!
And it's beautiful.
From what I have read in the past
on Pauley's old blog
and amongst other things,
I don't know alot,
but I do know that they love each other,
so
very very very very very very very much!
It's inspiring,
to think that there is someone out there
who is perfect for everyone.
Well...
not everyone...
you know what I mean.
It makes you hopeful for the future.
Hopeful that you have one...
hopeful that you might be so lucky
to find such
perfect happiness.
Such
love.
Anyways...
I wish Pauley (and Michael)
all the very best
for that special day,
and of course,
for the rest of their life together.
I
always
have.

VICTORY.

We all need change,
believe it!
GO OBAMA!!
I hope you can make the people
who put their faith in you
happy.

Everyone's At It

I talk to you but you don't answer.
I tell you everything,
and you just stare at me.
But if I asked you what am I supposed to do,
and I didn't like the answer,
at least you would be real
and at least I would know
that a worse friend would have made me feel better.
I talk to you but you don't answer.
Maybe that's not so bad.
I talk to you but you don't answer.
Maybe I should just
stop.
Maybe
one
day
soon.
But as long as you exist...
I'm still here.
Eternally conflicted?
Yeah.
Still.
Maybe tomorrow (we) will be
so
much
better.

Crumble (awesome like that)

I'm sure Jesse will write about our evening
in a way more interesting fashion
but I don't have alot of time
so here goes.
It
was
fun!
We ate stir-fry...
again...
and we played The Sims...
again...
and we had Ye Olde Crumble
(it was sepia toned)
and then we slid around on our socks
which wasn't a good idea
because we ate so much
hahaha.
Yay.
I love having fun with Jesse,
my epic friend
who was a wolf today.
And I was just regular old me,
but it was okay
because we were both wearing blue jeans.
(He is a different kind of wolf
I don't even know the story
behind the whole wolf thing)
but I know that
Jesse and me
will be friends forever
because
we
are
awesome
like
that
!
EPI-CLOVE!
xoxo

Lost (and another poem)

I forgot how to get to this blog,
so I just Googled stacedotcom
and NO
I did not mean
spacedotcom.
I am not that stupid!
Anyways,
whatever it was I was going to write
I've forgotten that too,
so might as well just
add my poem
and go.





A PART

a bruise
a tear
a mirror
a beer
his hand
in hand with
your fear
your eye
your face
your life
he hurt you
you cried
looked it over
and lied
denied
he hit
you kissed
you lay
you wished
he talked
you walked
away
from your man
you left
your lie
his life
you were just
his little wife
he was hardly there
he didn't care
it wasn't fair
what a pair
a part.

(c) SM




Not that you'll ever read this,
but it's here all the same...
And if you ever happen to notice
I'm here,
this is for you...
I just wish you could know
how
much
I
love
you.